Thursday, December 11, 2008


For all of those who call me stupid and dumb when it comes to flirting, this is why I choose not to.

"Meet Mr. Smith," Paragraph written my Leslie Ludy

In modern relationships, flirting seems about as innocent and harmless as window shopping at the mall. "Whats the hard of browsing, as long as you don't actually buy anything?" a young man named Chris jokingly asked during a discussion on the topic.

Even young people who have chosen God's pattern for relationships and are seeking to live a set-apart life for their future spouse often shrug off flirting as a natural part of any male/female interaction. But take a closer look at what flirting really is, and it becomes clear that some important principles in God's pattern are violated by doing it

Flirting is, in essence, drawing another person's attention toward you. it is, using your feminine power to entice another person to notice, admire, and be attracted to you. It is putting your personality, body, humor, and wit on display- playing a game in which you score more points the most positive attention you recieve from the other person.

Flirting, at its core, is based on selfishness.

If Eric flirted with other women, I would be hurt, jealous, and angry. If I flirted with other men, he would feel outraged and betrayed. We are in a covenant marriage relationship and have pledged to have eyes only for each other. I belong to Eric- mind, body, and heart. And he belongs to me. We honor each other by keeping our attention sacred- reserved for our spouse alone. Most would agree that this is the way it should be.

If then, as a married person you would not dishonor or hurt your spouse by flirting with anyone else, why would you hurt your future spouse now by flirting with others before marriage? As you interact with guys(girls), ask yourself this question: If your future spouse was standing beside you, seeing you interact with the opposite sex, how would he(she) feel? Once you ask that question and answer honestly, flirting no longer becomes a harmless, innocent activity.

The goal in any God centered relationship should be to continually point the other person towards Christ, not continually draw attention toward you.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

What Are You Worth?

There was a man I met one day, who was talking about God finding himself a wife. We were in a chatroom by the way, and its not always easy to read several convo's going on at once. But after a while you gain the speed to respond to 20 people at once. A skill worth earning in my opinion. One day this man was just going on and on about one day having a wife. I didn't really pay attention until I saw a sentence he wrote stating, " I have served God my whole entire life. I have done mission work, I have worked at church, etc. Since I have been a servant for Christ, now its time that God's owe's me a wife." I was no longer talking to anybody on that chatroom. The only thing I could do is stare at that sentence and read it over and over again in my head. Does anybody see something a little, uh I don't know....Wrong?!
I clicked on this man little profile tab and saw that he was 46 years old. Hmm, made me curious. Like anybody is going to listen to someone who is my age, and I know we are to respect our elders and stuff, but I believe that when God gives you a big mouth like I have He expects you to use it. And I did, which a lot of you who know me personally know that I have gotten in trouble from opening my mouth. My mom will be the first to tell you. Sorry but I couldn't pass this one up.
I didn't know if this guy would read it or not, but I typed back to him, "Sir, God owe's you nothing. What makes you think you can bargin with God?" After that he started talking to me like he was my father so I decided to let go of the matter and feel sorry for this 46 year old man. Heh, there's got to be a reason he was still single at his age.
This happened a long time ago. But I still think about it sometimes. Like how so many people will bargin with God to get the goods. People don't seem to realize God see's why we do the things we do. And because of that, I don't believe He has the right to reward us. We should be serving God because we want to, not to get something from Him. God gave us His Son without us asking Him to. And for me, if I never owned anything in my whole life God's Son is good enough for me. Because truely if You don't have Him, you've got nothing.

Do you ever look at the people who go to your church, your school, the place you work, and wonder just what they are seeking? Some people seek money, education, a good job or career, or etc. But you know every single person on the planet it seeking? When you think about it, it all makes sense. Everybody is seeking self-worth, significance, in everything they do.
I have known a lot of girls who were seeking their self worth from a boyfriend. Going from one to the other. I have known girls dress immodest seeking approval and self-worth. I have known guys who go to church all good but enter high school as a complete hyprocrite of his actions. I have known people who use to be good friends, but then once enter Jr.High split up and follow different crowds. And its not just teenagers doing this. Every age group is doing this.
I use to go to church with a family who practically owned the church. I think if it were possible, they could rename the church and put it in their name. They had to be in charge of everything or they wouldn't give any support. What does this have to do with self worth? Almost everybody in church commented them on the great work they did inside the church. I'm not saying there isn't anything wrong with recieving praise. Personally for me, it makes me want to keep going and knowing I'm doing a good job, it makes me want to do more for Christ. But when peoples approvals come first instead of doing such work for Christ, it is no longer right. And soon what you are doing isn't good enough anymore. So you always have to do more work better than before to make youself look good. Then somebody else comes along with a humble spirit and soon everybody is ooo and awe-ing over them, so the family now has competition. Seriously, I've seen it happen.
I will be honest and say I have seeked self-worth from other people before. For a long time I didn't believe I was worth anything unless some guy would call me beautiful, a guy ask me out, call me, etc. Coming from a girls point of view, this is why we breathe. From the moment we first enter Jr. High, we have only one thing on our minds and thats to please not only the people around us, but the boys are the top priority.
For a long time I was thirsty for any guy to call me beautiful. I was craving for it. At the time Britney Spears was like my role model and I wanted to look like she did. I wanted the stupid shiny diamond navel ring so I could wear shirts that would show my stomach to show it off to everyone. Secretly I wanted the fabulous life of a pop star with the sexy hair, curves, clothes, and make-up. Even though I was homeschooled,I learned very quick that this sort of living got the attention from everybody. My mom would never let me wear clothes like that, or wear my make-up but I often dreamed of it, and I made it very clear that thats where self-worth comes from, other people.
Even after I was saved, the same thought still stuck in my head that my significance came from how other people view me. Only this time I saw it a little differently, and it didn't make me happy.
I knew many girls who did all the right things to get a guys attention, who said all the right words, who had all the right friends, who had all the right clothes, who knew the best ways of flirting, but even after putting up with all of that I noticed they still weren't happy. What about the girls who crossed the line to keep their boyfriends, but in the end they broke up anyway? Was it really worth it? Is this what I must do to be worth something? Everybody is always putting up a front. We all make fun of the kid at school because everybody else is. And even though we aren't a bad person we still tease him. Its all for the same reason, we all seek approval from somebody in this world. When you feel what you think you need, why doesn't it last long enough? And why does it hurt? We don't learn from the start that we will repeat the same pattern over and over again and it still doesn't get us anywhere. And when we grow up, we will look back and see all the time we have wasted, and then thats when we will feel the failure we have brought upon ourselves. Very few people believe that there is stil l hope. But thats when they are right about something, there is hope.
You know for a while I didn't pay a whole lot of attention to Psalms 139, because like duh, I know God loves me. But I would rather hear it from somebody else. Who has thought like that before? I'll be the first one to say that was my old way of thinking. We all know Jesus died on the cross, he was in pain, he died, he rose, now we have the Holy Spirit and we all lived happy ever after. Thats how a lot of people put the best story ever told. There just isn't any passion or meaning to it. People make it sound like it was just something that happened over 2,000 years ago and then you move on with life. I personally have been in the state of mind that if I gave my all to Christ I wouldn't get anything out of life. I thought once, that if I decided to live the single life then I would never get a boyfriend. I fought for that for a very long time. And I've known so many girls who have done the same thing, and who continue today doing that. But seriously where does it get us? We end up nowhere. It wasn't until it dawned on me that seeking an earthly price to recieve my self worth isn't going to happen, ever. You aren't worth more when you get married. And some married couples aren't unhappy because they married a bad person.
I think I said once before that I talked with a girl who refused to let God write her love story because God takes too long. I guess that just shows how much God means to her. Her self-worth to her is found when she finds it herself. And to be honest, I don't believe she has found it yet.
I was that way. I'm not bashing anybody for making that kind of choice. And I am not saying I'm perfect. For most of my teen years I was seeking to feel beautiful if I got a boyfriend. I believe that to be my only cure for the lonliness I was feeling inside. And since I had nobody, that must mean I was worthless. I meant nothing to nobody. I might as well be dead.
So time after time again, we seek after this and that, on and on for most of our lives, expecting to hit a breakthough any moment now. Think about it though, has it really brought you the self-worth you were seeking? I can see it lasting for a little while, but who wants to settle for temporary. Who wants to settle for second best in life?
I was blinded by the truth, of how selfish I really was. I was living all holy, yet some other girl in church who was living unholy got a good boyfriend. It just wasn't fair to me. Shouldn't I be the one to have the good godly boyfriend? But then it dawned on me again. I was acting just like the 46 year old man in the chatroom. I was bargining with God! I was doing all these good works in life because I wanted to earn the boyfriend! Who knew that would happen?! My self-worth was lying in my own hands and I broke it on my own. I can image glass breaking from my fingers. My hands all bloody looking. I ended up hurting only myself.

One thing that also hurts with self-worth, is the fear of failure. I am one to know what the true story of depression really is. I have often entered into depression by surprise. One time we were eating at Pizza Hut and all of a sudden I became so insecure about my surroundings. People were everywhere and I had the strange feeling they were all pointing at me, staring at me, laughing at me. I could almost hear them. I almost broke down crying right in our booth. I refused to go get my own plate of pizza from the buffet! I was litterly shaking because I was so afraid! I hated myself and thought I could never change. I could never be the woman God wanted me to be because of all the mistakes I was making. I was ready to end it all completely.
There was another time that I cut myself with a stick. I couldn't seem to obey my parents right and we argued a lot. So I went out to cut myself. I wanted to throw my body up against a tree and I wouldn't care if I was hurt and bruised, because I felt like I deserved it. I felt that those who do wrong and fail deserve to be punished. So I didn't refuse the pain I brought on me physically, because I deserved it. I no longer had self worth. And if a guy told me I did, I'd call him a liar.
Not too long ago I wanted to cut myself again. I told myself to never do that ever again, but I seriously wanted to. But thanks to my good friend, Rae, she was praying for me the whole time. And it was there that I discovered my self-worth.
When we look back at all the things we failed at in life, our mistakes, our misunderstandings and brokeness, we feel numb and alone. I can't help but to think about Jesus. He was somebody who carried a tree on his back. You know He had to be strong to do that. He felt the sting of a whip that had animal teeth and sharp knives attached to the ends of it, and felt it pull away His own flesh. Do you think Jesus has those same scars on his back and chest today as the same for his hands and feet? I'll find out one of these days.
His disciples, the people who followed Him, they had no clue what was going on. They couldn't see the pathway he was providing. And when Jesus looked back, He didn't see failures and mistakes. He saw a race accomplished. Since Christ didn't do anything wrong, nobody understood why He wouldn't fight back the cruel punishment that was being put on Him. And it was in that moment, that He truely was alone. Because when He was dying on the tree He carried on His back, God turned away from Him, and wouldn't look at Him. Because God cannot acknowledge the presence of sin. And sin was being thrown on Jesus' body. He is the only one in the world who has been in this place. A place nobody else would enter.

I started to see the seriousness of God's love for me. The sins that I have committed just yesterday was paid in full over 2,000 years ago. Would a boyfriend do that, or a girlfriend? There were people in Bible times that failed. I look back at the women at the well. She had several husbands, and the one she was living with then was not her husband. What about the women who commited adultry? Jesus said that to those who never sinned to cast the first stone. Not one of them did. And Jesus told the women that her sin was forgiven. David slept with another mans wife, murdered him, and ended up loosing the child that would be his. But God still called him a man after God's own heart.
All these people performed horrible sins. Sins of worthlessness. Sins of guilt. Sins of anger and hate. But what did God do in all this? He forgave them. The three people that I mentioned, did they let their sins keep them away from the meaning of significance? I don't think so! When Jesus encounted the woman at the well, she went and told everybody she knew who Jesus was and what He had told her. It was that time Jesus was able to minster to other people who weren't Jews! The woman who commited adultry was Mary Magdinlen. Back then women where more of a possession, not a person. She was one of Jesus' loyal followers. She was the first one to see Jesus after he had risen, the first one to see angels at the tomb, and she was the one who ran after the disciples to tell them about the stone being rolled away. She gave her all for Christ. Her passion and love was in Him. She didn't care about the sins she had commited, because Jesus forgave her and she didn't let her past define who she was.
David may have made a really bad move, but he gave up his sin to God, and God called David a man after His own heart! David later became the father of Solomon, who wrote the book of Proverbs! Solomon was a very wise man, and he was very well known.
Despite what these people have done, God still blessed them. Because God refuses sin to determind who a person is and what they can do. But we must accept that we need a Savior to guide us and forgive us. People in the Bible did fail at some point in their lives. None of them were perfect. In fact, everybody that is mentioned in the Bible did fail! We today fail. I have failed in so many areas. I haven't always been where I am in Christ today. I have fallen and gottan angry at God plenty of times. I have hated myself time and time again. But should I let that determind who I am in Christ?! Let the healing begin!
Psalms 139 makes more sense to me now. Some really smart person didn't just write pslams up just to show off his good english skills, or hebrew skills. This man whoever he was, was inspired by God Himself. So really the words in the Bible are God's words. He spoke them. He doesn't make any mistakes. And after all that I have failed at in life. Like seeking other peoples approval, seeking self-worth from a guy, or experiencing sudden failures that I'm afraid to admit, God still intended that passage to be written for me! I must surrender all my wrongs to God once and for all, forgive myself, and strive on to be more like Christ. We will fail along the way, but before we can gain anything we must first admit that we are sinners and that we are going to fall. But I am no longer letting the sins and wrongs that I have done to value my significance of who I am to Jesus. I don't care what you say. I don't need a boyfriend. I don't need somebodys approval of how good of a job I am doing. I don't need to be searching my self worth from others because thats not who I am, and thats not who I'm gonna be. Laugh all you want, but my self worth is found in Jesus Christ. And nobody can say anything or do anything to change that. And neither can anybody take Him away from me.
We are to seek Christ with everything we have! God's not going to love us more or less than He does now. He loves me as I am. I don't have to dress up nice and fancy, say all the right words, or have the nicest prince at my side in all the land. I already found my Prince. And before we can have anything in this life, like a husband or wife, a good job, or anything, we must realize that our significance is found in Jesus and Jesus alone. There's nothing wrong with wanting to get married, wanting to meet that special someone. But thats not why we are here, and thats not where self worth is found. You will not be happy with anything in life unless Jesus is your number one. Thats not just Scripture. Its a fact.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Get Off The Fence!

Speaking spiritually, I could never see myself as being one of the people who sits on the fence, been on the fence, or even been near a fence. I guess cause I felt such a strong calling to be one of God's princesses that I never could imagine me falling away from His arms. I guess I always thought things between me and God would be perfect. Like our very own perfect world and relationship, as well that nothing could come inbetween us. I'm sure that is all of our attitudes when we first discover God's love and grace becoming real in our lives for the first time when we realize that we can't live without Him while living in this world, this world that is not our home.
Because of something very big happening in my life, which made me want to turn my life around and give it over to Christ, I made the choice at a young age to no longer be as this world was calling me to be, simply because I wanted something better. A 13 years old knows a lot about whats inside the world more than what that childs parents think they know. Its a sad state, as it was that way for me. And even at that age I knew the difference between right and wrong, and how the choices you make now will effect how your future will become. I'm so glad that God showed me all the things in this world that He wanted to keep me away from. And at first, I gladly took His hand and let Him have everything of me, my heart, my soul, my spirit, and most importantly my mind. I was a baby Christian, and the journey seemed exciting to me. I thought I was ready for anything.
Thankfully, God never lets things get out of hand in our lives, like situations He knows we can't handle, He won't allow to come to pass. So being as I thought I did, I later learned that I am not ready for anything to come my way. You can't gain strength over night. You can't gain confidence and faith just by saying the words over and over again in your head. It takes work, and effort on your part to accept the calling God has placed in your life and it takes a TON of learning. As you can see the word "ton" is capitolized. Why? Because I'm serious when I say it takes a TON of learning and a TON of commitment to have that deep and inimate relationship with Christ.
So what does a spiritually fence have to do with all this? If you don't mind, I would like to share a little testimony of mine. Often in all my blogging I mention something that personally happened in my life. I don't mean to brag on myself, or say that I am better than anyone cause God showed me this or that simply I know more when I talk about myself. I feel like I can get what I'm trying to say across to you when I talk about where I've been and where I come from. Things happen in our lives for a reason. And it happens to bring us closer to our God, and surrender everything we have over to Him. I find this is the best way for me to share, from my own personal experience.
I've mentioned many times before how Purity is such a huge part of my life. I've shared my testimony of how I got to that place already many times, which I find I should not have to mention again. So, that being said, just know that when I first became a Christian I felt purity to be the calling God brought into my life the moment I gave Him my heart.
In order to give in to take this calling, you have to make sacrifices, choices, decisions that will impact who you are as a person. But of course, it comes at a high price. A price that you must pay even though you may feel like its just not worth it. Because purity isn't just talking about you keeping yourself physically pure. Some people go almost all the way without crossing the line and try to consider themselves still pure. But what I'm saying, its more than physical, its also emotional, and spiritual. Its not easy keeping yourself in check. For the mind I personally believe, is the hardest part of the spiritual body to keep under self control.
I wanted to remain innocent. A pure white rose that has not yet bloomed. Because if I were to open the rose ahead of its time to bloom because I simply couldn't wait for the beauty, the rose would die. Then there would be nothing left of it for me to enjoy. Its the same in our spiritual lives when it comes to protecting our hearts.
So, all my teen years I made sure to be that pure white rose that God wanted me to remain until He would bring the right man into my life. I'm so happy that my heart has never been opened to anyone else but Him. I sortof thought the choice to remain pure would be simple, and that it would be easy. But I think we all know that when thinking this way, we only end up into trouble. And thats where it left me hanging and asking what was going on inside my life.
First off, define being on the fence. The first time I heard of Getting off The Fence was at church camp back in 2005. The speaker who was there that week, asked for those who were touched and gave their lives over to the Lord to stand up. This was at the very end of the week, and I was so happy to see that a lot of people stood standing up. They were not ashamed. Then he asked, for those who got of the fence, to please stand up. I'm so proud, that the same number of people who were saved that week, were the same number of young students who said they have gotten off the fence. It was then I understood what that term meant.
I don't know where any of those students are at right now, but I do hope that they still make the commitment everyday to never get back on the fence. I would like to describe a fence to you. Imagine in your mind a white fence. It is very long, it goes across roads and pastures. When it is new, it is beautiful. But after a while being out in cold weather, through storms, hail, and who knows what else, it no longer looks that pretty. In fact the person who owns that fence usually has to repaint it. Not very fun I'm sure. Its a pain. Only to repaint it over again because it can never be perfect. Who usually hangs around a fence? I can see birds sitting on one, probobly chatting about the day and who might have had more baby birds that day and comparing. Gossiping, checking out the female birds or filling out a grocery list of worms. Sure, birds live life too ya know. Maybe even read a newspaper called The Birds Eye View. Anyway, its a place to hang out. You sit on the fence. And you do nothing but sit there all day and watch the other birds fly on by. I bet that gets boring. So how can we relate this to the living world? We are the same way as the birds. Many people give their lives over to Christ. They are happy they have their highway ticket to Heaven. They feel lifted up as the sins are no longer hidden inside their bodies. So after all this happens, many people do what a bird does, they go and sit on the fence. They have what they need, which is going to Heaven when they die and thats it. No personal change or decision to take on a higher calling for Gods glory. Just something to assure them they aren't gonna burn. And what do they do? They sit on the fence, along with a lot of people who as well may claim to be Christians but really aren't living the lifestyle they should be living. They sit on the fence along with those who don't believe in God and what nothing to do with Him. Every lifestyle is sitting on the fence. For you need to remember, the fence does not stay pretty for long. Because a storm comes, and chips away the paint. Which invites more unpleasent crowds to join in. Many people go this route. And are happy being on the fence.
Then we have the other believer who really wants the change in his or her life. They want to work at their new relationship with Christ. They seem to have a good start, but after a while it becomes pretty rough. And they start to see that the choices that they personally have made to not conform to this world really aren't that big of a deal anymore. So what if that movie has that one dirty scene of bad language. They tell themselves that they won't let it effect them in any way. And soon making that choice leads to other choices that no longer seem that big of a deal as well. Like going to a small party where there maybe drinking, or a night club. As long as you don't do anything bad its okay to party and be there. They later find themselves on the fence, along with every other lifestyle in this world, where those lifestyles are accepted as okay. Since its the persons choice to live they way they live, its okay to accept it, instead of telling them the truth, and what God can do to restore them. No, they sit on the fence. And they find themselves satisfied. God isn't that big of a priority anymore, and that seems okay for them.
I said at the beginning I could never see myself at all being near the fence. Because I thought I could become better. Which is very true, but you have to keep making the choice to do whats right and not just do it once and it solves all your problems. I said before about making the huge step to purity. For a very long time I followed that road to where God was leading me. And to be honest, it was very easy for me. Until I got older, and then purity was the absolutely hardest battle going on in my mind and my heart. I guess you can say, I became curious. Since everybody on the fence was looking at something, I wanted to see what it was too. So I took a peak. I started to see that watching some movies weren't so bad, without thinking that Jesus was there watching that same movie with me. I told myself that I wouldn't let that effect me and that of course, I am still pure in my mind. I was letting in a lot of images. And I don't think I have to describe them, you already get the picture. Its like when you listen to a certian song that has a lot of cuss words in it. You say you ignore the words and just listen to the music. Well eventually the more you hear the words along with the music, it becomes only natural to actually repeat the words in your head and it starts to not sound so bad. After all you wouldn't really say those words outloud right? And don't say you don't listen to the words to songs. It is impossible to block out lyrics to a song and not hear them. Soon it becomes all you think about, but you still deny that it has effected you in some way. The same with movies, once you see it, it never leaves. You will remember it later down the road. I've always been told to be careful with what you put in your mind because once its there, it can never leave. I only wish I took that seriously, because there have been a lot of things that I have allowed to enter into my mind that I shouldn't have, but I made the choice. I made the choice to allow an unclean image enter my thoughts. And that my friend, is something you are to take seriously. And before you know it, it becomes okay. And you will also find yourself sitting on the fence.
I didn't realize exactly where I was on the fence, until I felt another calling just recently. There are girls at our church that I deeply care about. They don't know me that well, and I don't know them that well. But I know that they have a lot that they are going to be facing in this life, and their journey has just begun. I want to make the point of being there for these girls through the trials they will be facing cause I have already been there. I want to take that step and be a mentor, somebody that they can vent to. But before I can take that step, I must examine where my heart is, and what I hold in it. I must set a good influence among these girls. But before I could do that, I had a lot of changing that I needed to do, as well as a lot of cleaning. So, I made a list of things that I personally have regreted in my life that I do not want these girls to also do. I made my list, and I made a promise to not do these things again. Because either you know it or not, somebody is always watching you. And if somebody is watching me, they need to see the truth of who I am. Not somebody who sits on the fence. I must become everything God wants me to be in Him, before I can help any girl who comes to me for advice. Would you go up to a prostitute, or some guy at school who you know is a total jerk and ask for help? No, you want to go to somebody who actually knows where you are coming from and how you feel. You don't go to the most popular girl or guy in school, you go to the person who is different, and has peace in their lives that you want as well.
Seeing what I was doing, I jumped off the fence. I realized the huge step those students back in 2005 took that week at church camp. Its about giving up the old way of life, and surrendering to a God who is full of surprises. Those who careless will stay on the fence and will produce no fruit for the kingdom of God.
I'm 19 now, and still young. But to be honest, my generation is practically over. Once you hit 20, you no longer matter in this world. But the ones who are still stuck as a teenager, you are the next generation. And YOU matter. We can all see that the world and media is set on teenagers. Everything is about them. They do everything and the media can't get enough of it. Its the truth, and the generation now, is pathetic. I see too many young boys and girls sitting on the fence with the rest of the generation. Even some of the people from two generations ago are still on the fence. Sad isn't it? Don't you know how crowded it gets on that thing? I'm sure the painter gets tired of repainting it a lot. But seriously, who is the painter anyway? The fence, represents the world. This world is Satans kingdom. And he is proud to repaint it when a new generation steps in to sit on it. Because thats more and more people who don't know Christ. We as Christians are to be seperated from the world, not a part of it! If we as Christians sit on the fence along with the rest of the world, what do we accomplish? A selfish lifestyle, where we don't care to reach out to others unless we get something in return. We are not on this planet for this reason. I am so sick of seeing lives thrown to the ground because people refuse to get off the fence! It doesn't have to be this way. But people make the choice, and we are supose to just accept it? I don't think so! We are to reach out to this world to tell the truth. When somebody does something really awful that we know will hurt them in the future, should we just allow them to commit the crime and learn the lesson themselves? No! If you care about anybody you will do whatever it is you can to tell them the truth of their actions, and say it with love. Get off the fence and be a voice to them because nobody else will! God wants us to speak! He doesn't just use missionaries you know. Its not just their responsibility to witness to this planet surrounded by the devil and demons. We are still here, and we have a calling. We are to accept that calling.
I have seen many people who I have gone to church with step up on the fence. And nothing, and I mean NOTHING will get them off. Because they simply do not give a care. I feel for these people who don't at all want to seek the wisdom of God and grow through His Word. People think its boring, and as well they see too many people who claim to be Christians sitting on the fence. People, the world wants to see the real deal! No wonder we have such a hard time, there are too many hyprocrites! My friend Britt and I call them Hippos, or Hypos. Because they are too dumb to suck in their gut and admit that they without God are completely worthless. Our focus is not to please ourselves. Its too easy to become a selfish person. It takes character to get off the fence. Is that something you have?
The generation now is the future of this world, well whats left of it anyways. It maybe half damaged but God still has a plan for as long as He allows us to live. God didn't create the fence. A fence is man made. Only most people use it out of context, and its just a piece of wood where we can do nothing but wait for things to come to us. Well I've made the decision to not be that kind of person. I have a higher calling in life. And I will lay down my pride and take it up at all cost. It doesn't matter with what we have on this earth. Cause once we die we can't take anything with us to the afterlife, but our friends and family. I know people right now that are stuck on the fence. I want to take them to Heaven with me. So I will do whatever I can to reach out to them, if God lets me. I pray for them everyday, because being on the fence is not pretty when the storms come in and take over, chip the paint, and maybe even kill a few birds. It hurts, and I don't want to sit around and watch. I really hope that you don't want that either. But instead of just talking about changing the world, just go out and do it. It is time to move, it is time to Get Off The Fence. Its time to accept a higher calling in life other than watching life pass you by. If you're serious about Christ, then live it, do it, and be it. Don't think you have all the time in the world, cause you really don't have any time at all. Put it into good use, not waste it living on a hard, chipped, broken fence.

Friday, October 17, 2008

A Doubtful Mind

Whoever knew that the words we say to ourselves can determind how our future will end up being. I never use to believe that.
Ever find yourself saying sometimes things like, "Oh, I'll never do that." " I doubt it." "I'll probobly never get the guts to do that activity." Or as I believe to be, one of the most popular sayings, " I'll never get married." I've been caught saying that one over and over again. Why do we say these things? Do we really mean them? Or do we say them just so somebody will come back at us and say," Oh of course you will darling!?"
I remember when I was younger, my number one dream was to be in a band. I remember when I was five my parents taking me to a music store for the first time. And there I saw it. The most beautiful set of drums I have ever seen. I told my dad," I want to play that." But to me, it was only a dream. Drums are quite exspensive, and it cost to keep them up. Plus, like who is going to buy one of those for a five year old right? Kids that age don't at all know what they want. And I was one of them. But playing the drums was always stuck in my head, and if I ever got the chance to, that would be the instrument I would play.
I'll get back to that dream a little later. As I got into my older teens, it seemed that more dreams were coming my way, waiting to be thought about. A year after I was saved, I started to write my own lyrics. From that, it gave me the desire to become a songwriter. I wanted to learn how to write music, but had no clue where to start. But the thought remained there and developed into nothing but what it was, a thought.
My desire in music grew stronger, as I wanted to know more about it. Being that I come from a family with music history, it only seemed right to carry out what my parents had done. I decided that when I would graduate high school, that I was going to find a way into college, and set my career in music production. I was so very excited. I imagined that I would someday have my own recording studio where I can record peoples music. Bands such as Skillet, Hawk Nelson, or maybe even Reliant K. I was so ready to learn what I had to do, and I couldn't wait.
But thats when something began to happen. Something changed inside of me. I was looking into the schools where I could go at for music. One of the best schools was in Los Angeles. I was excited about actually leaving home away from my parents and living my own life, in the college world. Until something happen. I was having all these dreams about my life, that I forgot something. Where was I gonna get the money? After that, I required some thinking, sortof estimating how much a class would cost. And afterwards, I realized, I could never afford to go to any college. Because I simply couldn't do it. So from that, I let that dream slide into the back of my mind. And it hasn't moved since.
Being that I was homeschooled, we never kept up with my transcripts. So I don't have them all. That was another thing that was keeping me behind. While everybody else went back to school after the summer was over, I was living at home, doing nothing. I later met a man who was a piano player, and wrote his own music. I asked him how he learned to write, and from there we went into about an hour in a convo talking about how to write music where to learn it. This idea excited me. I thought now I could seriously learn what I've always wanted to do. So one day, me and my mom went down to a local college to see what we could find out about classes. The guy told me you could audit a class, and only pay for the classes you want instead of going for a degree or master. That made it so much more a dream coming true for me! Cause all I wanted to do was learn! So we were sitting in some person office, who was telling us all we needed to do to get into the college and stuff. I felt so excited, until she said it." You have to have your transcripts." I felt very numb. I felt even worse when she told me I had to take the SAT, which I was not at all planning on doing. So after that visit, I put that dream back behind my mind. Because I believed that it could never become anything but a thought.
So continueing, I got more and more into photography and video editing. But I let doubt come into my mind because I never thought I could ever be able to afford anything professional in my life! So again, another thought. I have always had a desire to do mission work. And I am so thankful that I have been able to go on two mission trips so far. From both of those experiences, it led me to want to do it even more. So I went online, talked with a friend who lives up north, and he encouraged me to check out Youth With A Mission. So I did. The cost was a very reasonable price. It was college classes, but transcripts. No SAT. It sounded perfect. I would be training for three months, then for two months go to another country. I was thrilled! I brought it up to my parents that I really wanted to do this, and I had been praying about it for a while. They liked it, except the part of going out of the country. They told me no, that I couldn't do it. So then again, I was back at square one.
Last but not least, the final straw. The last remark everybody seems to make. I will never get married. I have been saying that for my entire life. Not because I really didn't want to get married, but because I thought it just wasn't possible. Everyday I looked at myself in the mirror and wondered, "Who in this world would want to wake up next to this every morning?" I often compared myself to the other girls that walked by in my life. She and she seemed the kind of girl that all guys chase after, but I was told I'm not the type a boy would ever love. Peoples words do hurt a ton, and I'm the type that never lets them go.
I was carrying a lot of doubt in my heart. I thought I wasn't smart enough for college. Because I barely graduated highschool. Consider me lucky. I never thought I would succeed because simply I just wasn't smart enough. I let my dreams slide away from me.
So from there, I have always had a low self esteem. I didn't like who I was, because there has always been somebody who was better than me, smarter than me, richer than me, prettier than me, and somebody who always found the opportunites to knock on their door step. I really felt like I was just meant for nothing but to sit here and breathe.
For all my teen years, I have felt this way. Just because. I remember praying to God the night I was saved to use me. I wanted to be used. But why was all this happening? Doesn't God want to use people who want to be used? I was right here waiting and nothing was happening. But, everything was happening to everybody else and half of those people weren't even Christians. Seemed just fair right?
Then one day, something new came into the picture. I was talking to a good friend of mine. He's a music producer, and I was telling him that I always wanted to learn production and do my own thing. And hoping that someday I could have my own recording studio. As I was sharing with him my vision, he simply told me, "Stop dreaming, and go do something." But I flat out told him that I can't do anything. I don't have the money, the brains, a car, the right recourses. I was complaining how I could never do any of it until he , being as Blunt as he is, told me, "You're right. You will never do it." Don't ask why, but I was shocked he said that to me. I wasn't expecting that answer. I was expecting an answer like, "Oh sure you will. You can do it." Well, heh, I have to say that he was absolutely right. I said I will never do, so then, I shall "never" do.
After our interesting convo, I couldn't get his words out of my mind. They were flying about like bats hitting me inside the head. What did he mean by that, why did he say it? Then it made me think back a bit. I started to see that a long time ago, the word never became my favorite word. I would never do this, I would never do that. Then I remember what the Bible says in Matthew 21:22," if you ask, believing, you will recieve." Well the whole entire time I was asking. I got that part down right. I'm a pro at asking for things. But I simply didn't believe. Oh I said I believed. Anybody can say that, but to actually do it is another thing.
I realized what I have done. I was doubting God. I was doubting the power of the one true God in heaven! I was saying to Him, "God you aren't doing it right. God you aren't strong enough to get me where I needed to be. God you don't love me." I was simply saying that God cannot do the impossible in my life. But how could He AT ALL do the impossible, if I wouldn't allow Him to?
I immediantly prayed for God's forgiveness. I asked that God forget all my doubtful words, all the times I ever said anything negative, every time I said the word "Never," and I asked for a clean start. Then, I told God my dreams. I told him I wanted to learn music theory but didn't know how. I told God I wanted to learn production, and do my own mixes with my own music. I told God I was deeply interested in photography and I wanted to learn film. I told God I wanted to do missions and go all over the place, travel the world. And last but not least, I told God that I wanted to get married someday. I want to wear white on my wedding day. And I want to marry THE ONE that God HIMSELF has chosen for me, and see his face when God says its time for us to meet. With all this being said, I gave all these dreams back to God. I gave them over, surrendered them, giving them up and letting God do whatever He wanted with them. And I simply prayed, " God use me. Don't let me doubt you again. Just like I prayed for the first time in my life when I was saved, I will say it again...God use me."
I was sixteen when I saw the group Barlow Girl for the first time, the same concert where I saw Toby Mac for the first time too. Before that day, I had tried to play a few other instruments. At 13, tried the saxophone. Didn't work, quit at 14. 15, attempted to play eletric guitar, but good luck with that. I tried harmonica and flute. It got me nowhere. I still had the dream to play the drums, but again never thought it could possibly happen. So here I was, in this giant mosh pit, resting my arms on the stage, I could almost touch Alyssa Barlows piano. The whole entire time I had my eyes on the drummer. She was the only person I was watching the whole entire time. After seeing her play, I was in awe. I told myself, " I want to be just like her!" After watching them play that night, I was deeply inspired to get serious about the drums. So I started praying about it.
Eight months later, I get my first kit for my 17th birthday. In three months I learned my first song, which was a Barlow Girl song because they have inspired me in my music so much as well as spiritually. I taught myself how to play. Two years later, at the current age of 19, I have officially started to play in church. No its not a band, but I am playing music, with other people, getting in some experience, as well setting the tone for the service. Because music does move people, it moves people deeper into Christ. And thats the whole point of playing.
Just recently, I have started to get into youth ministries. I gave that dream to God as well. And now I am starting to get somewhere. Very soon we will start doing drama's within the church. I have had many inspirations to do drama's to songs, and I'm creating new stories each week.
One other thing that I always use to think, was that opportunity will eventually fall into my lap, without me having to give an enegry in the process. I highly recommend you...DON'T DO THIS! You are just asking for nothing "again" to happen. My friend was right, "stop dreaming and go do something." God will do His part, but you also have to do yours. And it takes work. Time studying, time organizing, time getting places, time saving money. But isn't it better to work for something and earn it, istead of it being given to you on a silver platter? Who would want to be lazy anyway? Yep, being lazy sure defines your poor character.
You see, waiting on God could probobly top on the list of the hardest things to do in life. But when it comes to waiting, we also have to trust. Through out this entire blog I did not put my trust in God as I should have done. Because I did not believe He could do the impossible. Good and big things always happen to other people, but not to me. I was accepting that thats how I should live and think. Its the truth, you say you will never do something in life, you really will "NEVER DO IT." Because you are enliminating God from actually working in your life! Don't you know how miserable that is for a person?! Its like....torture! You are miserable because you CHOOSE to be miserable. You feel sorry for yourself because you CHOOSE to feel sorry for yourself. You are unhappy that nothing great is happening in your life because you CHOOSE to doubt what God can do! It is a choice. What will be yours?!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

The Room

Over a week ago, I was thinking about the blogs I have written. For those who read them, you can clearly see what it is I am passionate about and not afraid to share. You have seen a part of me without actually being around me in physical sense or talking to me face to face. For the most part, you know how I live my life, because I write about it. I look back at all of the blogs and I am so thankful that God has given me the ability to take words from His own mouth and type them for the internet world to see. But I find, there was one thing I hardly ever talked about to people. I may talk about purity, how important it is. I may talk about suicide, about how hurtful it can be. I may talk about porn, how terribly betraying and addicting it is. But there is one thing I hardly every talk about to people online, and in person. And that is the meaning of Salvation.

When I was talking to God about His Word, I know I am to preach the gospel to every creature. And being how the current Election is turning out, I know it won’t be very long before Jesus will be coming back. It made me think, what am I doing to reach out to non-believers? A non believer can read about purity and take it in and use it for something good. Anybody can do that. But the talk about salvation is a topic which almost the whole world wants to not talk about. That gives me more reason to talk about it right?

It always seems I have an easier time telling someone about purity rather than talking to someone about salvation. To the few people that I have talked with about God, is was very very difficult. Because I saw the importance in it. Someone’s life is at stake. And so I was always afraid I’d mess up and say something wrong, which I have done countless times already. I guess you would say its a fear. But when I would tell somebody about why I wear a purity ring on my left hand, it comes naturally. I see a problem in this.

I prayed about it to God only once. I know I need to be doing more to reach out to people, and I haven’t been doing it. I haven’t made it a priority in my life to talk to somebody about Jesus. Since actual speaking to someone has always been a huge problem with me, I didn’t exactly know how I could reach out to others. The only thing I could think of was writing because its what I’m good at. So I said to God, "If there is a possible way I can talk about Christ’s love to people, help me to write it." Because to tell you the truth I don’t even know how to write it! Does that sound confusing? I would use fear as an excuse, and I didn’t see it.

I can say I am having a little help with writing this. A few days ago I bought my own copy of Joshua Harris’s "I Kissed Dating Good-bye." Yes, its another purity book. I was reading a chapter just a few minutes ago with the title "The Room." After reading it, I decided to post it here for you to read. It made me look at my life in a whole different way. And I hope it will do the same for you.

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index-card files.

They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read, "Girls I Have Liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to relize that I recognized the names written on each one.

And there without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn’t match.

A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror. stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their contents. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named "Friends" was next to one marked " Friends I Have Betrayed."

The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright werd: "Books I Have Read," "Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I Have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed At." Some were the almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I’ve Yelled at My Brothers." Others I couldn’t laugh at: "Things I Have Done in Anger," "Things I Have Muttered under My Breath At My Parents." I never ceased to be suprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes there were fewer than I hoped.

I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my twenty years to write each of these thousands, possibly millions, of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked "Songs I Have Listened To," I relized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn’t found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew that file represented.

When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only and inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed contents. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.

Suddenly I felt an almost animal rage. One thought dominated my mind: "No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn’t matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took the file at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled ou a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.

Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forhead against the wall, I let out a long self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title bore " People I Have Shared the Gospel With." The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.

And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that the hurt started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.

But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No please, not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus.

I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn’t bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face. I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read everyone?

Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn’t anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands, and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn’t say a word. He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.

"No!" I shouted, rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn’t be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood.

He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and continued to sign the cards. I don’t think I’ll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished."

I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

There was a man who worked near a rail road. His job was to turn the train tracks back and forth for what ever train was going either way. Him and his son worked together everyday. Part of the train track, was a bridge. The father told his son not to go near the bridge because you can easily slip and fall. "Okay father." the young boy replied.

Part of the train track was broken. The father took the whole day to fix it with his son. But his son became distracted, and went towards the bridge. He wanted to show his father that he was brave, strong, and tough to be near the bridge. He walked out on the bridge, laughing with jollyness. But his foot then slipped, he fell and was now holding on to the train track with his two little hands. He screamed for his father." Daddy help me!" His father dropped his tools and started to run to save his son. But he then heard a train coming. It was coming this way.

The father looked at the broken train track. It wasn’t fixed. If the next train came across it, it wouldn’t stay on the track. Thousands of people were going to die! But his son, his only son, was left holding on the hard train track calling for help. What is he to do? What is he to do?

He had to make a quick decission. It took him everything he had. He decided to save the thousands of people inside the train cars. He went to the track, switched the tracks. He pulled with all the strength he had before the train came close to him. He switched it just in time for the train to cross the bridge. The same bridge his son was barely holding on to.

The father watched the train go by. He watched the people inside. There was a boy sitting with his mother sucking on an ice cream cone. There was a tall business man smoking a pipe and reading a newspaper. There was a prositute sitting next to her pimp. There was a man holding a bottle of liquor. None of them knew what had just happened.

As soon as the train passed through the father ran towards his son, who was no longer holding on to the train tracks. He looked down from the bridge and saw a limp body floating in the deep water below.

The father ran down to the bottom. Jumped in the water and swam towards his son, and took him to shore. He held his small body in his arms. Felt his pulse. He was dead.

I was very little when I was told this story in church. The father let his son die so the people who were traveling on the train would live. He risked his sons life for others. What would happen in you were in his place? Would you sacrifice your child for the sake of others? I would believe everybody would say no way! You might even call the father a bad parent to let his son die, for not paying more attention to where his sons where-abouts. Its easy to judge him for this. But look at the situation. His son to die, or thousands of people to die. In spiritual matters, God sacrificed His only Son, One Life, for every single life that is walking on this planet! And just like the people in the train car, we could careless, or even see what The Father did so we could live.

Religion is nothing. It can’t save you. Doing good works doesn’t make up for all your sins. And all the other things people in the world do will never save you. This isn’t something I am trying to preach or force on you. There are too many people who do preach and it scares people away. You may think this is just another holly-roller blogger posting how you are doing this wrong and doing that wrong. No. Thats not what I am doing. What I am saying, is that you could die at this very moment. We will never know if we will be alive tomorrow, our next event, our next words, or even our next breath.

For a man to come from heaven, to be born into flesh, to grow up as we grew up, to walk in our footsteps, to understanding who we are, to having communication with us, to healing the wounded, to showing His love by letting the world kill Him on a tree. Would anyone you know die so you could live? Would anybody put themselves on a cross? I don’t think so. They would try to find a second opinion if they could! But Jesus didn’t seek a second opinoin. He went through it with no questions asked. He gave His life for me! He gave His life for you! He put all of our sins, OUR SINS, on His body. He took it from us so we wouldn’t have to die a spiritual death, a death that leads to distruction.

I can still see the scenes I saw at the Heaven and Hell House Drama I went to when I was 13. I remember being told the same thing that I just told you. I remember feeling God touch at my heart. He was calling me. I felt HIM! He is calling you! He wants a personal relationship with you. Because the relationships we have in this world will never last, but His words will never end! They go on even after the end of time! His love is never ending!

I remember my senior year we were coming home from a basketball game, which I include we won that night. All of us, the boys and the girl teams were piled into a small van. There was a reck on the high way which led to us waiting in a traffic jam for a bit.

We were a Christian group. A Homeschool group. I’ve known these people for over seven years. We were of all different denominations, and religions. But for the most part, I thought we all agreed on one thing. That salvation is the only way to heaven. Boy was I wrong.

I don’t know how the topic started. I had my head phones over my ears listening to Kutless, then I heard someone say outload," You don’t believe in salvation?" This made me shut off my music and listen. It started out as an argument as to there is no such thing as hell, that God wouldn’t send people to hell. My friend Danielle was talking to my friends and asked for my input. I spoke," Its not God who sends us to hell. Its us who choose that path because we reject Christ love and His Gift of eternal life." I left it at that. For some reason, I felt God was telling me to be silent. So I didn’t speak aftet that, but only spoke when I was asked to, or if I felt I needed to say something.

When we stopped to take a break and stretch out legs, Danielle grabed me and another friend and we talked. We were so disappointed to find out our friends were not saved. I was shocked to think, that if we got in a car crash that night and we all died, only three of us had out names written in God’s book. Disappointment just filled my mind and I couldn’t get it out.

Its the truth. Christ doesn’t send people to hell. Why would He want to? Its us who choose to go there when we die. Its us who reject His offer of eternal life. Its us who decide to follow in our selfishly ordered paths that lead to distruction.

I remember listening to a cd by ZOEgirl. And at the end of one of their songs Chrissy (one of the singers), said something that many people use.

A: Admit that you are a sinner, and that you need a Savior

B: Believe that Jesus Christ is the Lord.

C: Confess your sins, and commit your life to Him

D: Don’t wait until tomorrow

What does all this mean you may ask? By accepting God’s gift you are giving your life to Him, to be put in His hands. We must admit we are sinners. Confess our sins. Ask for forgiveness. We musn’t wait, because it can be too late. And we don’t get second chances at life. We must repent. Casting out cares upon Him. Giving away our hearts to the one true love.

I’m sorry if this must seem a little too long. I didn’t plan it that way. I just wanted to put the story from Joshua Harris’s book and maybe say a small something at the end about and its done. But as I was writing all this I felt more and more come to my head to type down. For those who do not know Christ as their Savior, I pray that you will relize you need Him in your life. You need him like air to live. For those who are Christians, I pray you will get off the couch and do whatever you can to reach to non-believers. Do Whatever It Takes.

Friday, October 3, 2008

We Need Your Help: American Airlines Not Filtering Porn!

I recieved this email this morning by Tiffany who's with Girls Against Porn. Please read!

Hi Erin,

Just wanted to alert you, you may have heard already, that American Airlines is choosing not to filter their new in flight Internet service, they've already been sued for masterbation incidents on flights, we are trying to get everyone to e-mail the Corporate Communications division and bombard them with e-mails, to get them to apply filters, to protect children on flights & those who don't want to be exposed to others who choose to view porn. Their flight attendants have already expressed concern, because American wants them to monitor people, making sure that they aren't viewing porn, but the flight attendants have told American that they can't do that, with the rest of their responsibilities. We need to support them, and tell American to do the right thing, and apply filters.

Please spread the word to all of your contacts, friends, distribution lists, etc. We really need to bombard American Airlines right now with e-mails & calls to apply filters. Their e-mail & phone contact info, is in this press release we just released, and is below too. Any organizations who you know, can sign on to our letter, that we are sending to American in a couple of weeks, asking them to filter their Internet. Just have their leadership contact us at:

Here is the press release link:

http://www. christiannewswire. com/news/157807918. html

Contact American:
American Corporate Communications:
American HQ Phone #: 817-963-1234, press 0 for operator

Thank you friend, for passing this initiative on in advance, we would really appreciate your help to protect passengers/children from being exposed!

Girls Against Porn
www. girlsagainstporn. com
www. myspace. com/girlsagainstporn

Monday, September 29, 2008

A Lady In Waiting

I would first like to add that I was inspired to write this blog, this time, at exactly almost 4 am from a book I have been studying for over a week now title, "Lady In Waiting." Written by Jackie Kendall and Debby Jones.
So here I am. Wide awake. I can’t sleep. This is the second night in a row that I have been staring at the ceiling waiting for morning to arrive. Its bad enough that I have to be at work in only a few short hours. I played my music, cause music usually puts me to sleep really fast; exspecially Skillets Comatose. But tonight it kept me awake. I did my nightly prayers to God. Tried to relax and get to sleep so I can live today. Nothing. Nothing is getting me to shut my eyes and dream. And looking at the time, I figure its too late to even attempt putting in another cd to listen to. So I decided to pray some more about some personal issue’s, going into more detail with God than I did the first time.
Almost every blog I have written so far always centers itself around purity. Those who read my blogs, are probobly tired of me talking about it over and over again. Well thats your problem. I don’t make the decision to write them. God inspires me, and HE gives me the words to type on this small laptop. And thats something I can’t ignore. Neither do I want to ignore it.
I was talking to God about certian feelings that I’ve told Him several hundred times growing up. From there I started to look back on my teenage life and see how different my life has been compared to so many others out there in the world. I looked back at the time I had my first broken heart. I remember how long it took for me to heal from that and move on without looking at one guy and calling him a jerk. I remember then, at age 13 is when I decided to devote my life to Christ and in purity. For how painful it was, you can only imagine. But then I look at it this way. The lessons I have learned from that one broken heart convinced me to turn my life around. It made me want to be different.
Then I remembered all the times I cried out to God with obsession of having a boyfriend. I remember begging Him, complaining to Him, letting Him know how confused I was for Him not letting me have my way of things. I can still see the guys I had crushes on back then never once knew I existed and I would complain that to God as well. I really don’t know how He put up with me. If I were God back then I would have locked myself up somewhere and put duck tape over my mouth. Then I remembered a few years down the road, when I just thought God gave up on me of ever having a happy relationship with some guy, instead He gave me a book to read. Yes, a book. Like I thought a book could be better than having a boyfriend. HA! But it turned out I was wrong about that too. At 16 is when I read "I Kissed Dating Good-bye" for the first time. Thats when God started to open a door for me. And made me relize this world is not at all about me.
Now two years down the road, at the current age of 18, God opens another door. A door I thought would lead to the answer I knew I was looking for. But again, I was wrong. Instead it was the answer God said I should know. I had seemed to have gotten back into the confusion stage of the question," Okay God, I’m older. I’m more mature. Where is my boyfriend?" As I waited for my answer, It happened again. He gave me a book! Not only did I read I Kissed Dating Good-bye all over again and it reminded me of some things, but there was another book I saw at the bookstore that caught my attention. It was titles "Lady In Waiting: Becoming God’s Best While Waiting For Mr. Right." It has paper inside of it. A journal. So of course I bought it! I love paper. I am always writing something. Sorry tree’s, I need paper.
I have been reading one chapter of the book everyday for the past ten days, using it as my personal time with God alone with my Bible wide open, ready to take in whatever it lead me to. And again God proved it to me, this world is not all about me.
For a long time, I have been idolizing relationships. All my teen years when I would see other couples holding hands or smooching, envy would creep into my heart. Made me hate them. Made me wonder why God is allowing them to have so much fun and I have to watch it. I was looking towards a certian someone on a pedistol. Having a man in my life would give me such joy and pleasure, but not once did I think about commitment. And again, the question came up again to ask God," Okay God. I’m older. I am definatly this time MORE mature. Where is my boyfriend?" God told me to listen and read, so I did. And this is what He told me:" Erin, I have given you your single years. Single years that I am growing you. Making you from a young girl to a woman. If I let you have a boyfriend, where will that leave Me?" If I did have a boyfriend through all my stubborness, where would that leave God? I can tell you this, I would have left Him out. Because I would have gotten so caught up in a guy to fill in this empty void of loneliness. There wouldn’t be any room for God. There wouldn’t be any spiritual growth in my life, because I made the choice not to recieve it. I was looking at myself selfishly, looking at what fun the attention, passion and romance boyfriends bring. But I wouldn’t be looking for commitment.
For almost as long as I could remember, I have always been told a guy can’t make you whole, only Jesus can. I took that as a "yeah whatever." But for almost six years now it has been proven to me again and again. There is not one man in this world that can make me whole. No matter how hard I search. No matter if I went after boy after boy to see if this one could possibly be the right one, I still wouldn’t find it. The only thing I would find, is the time I wasted on myself and not on serving my God. As well as some shattered pieces of heart left on the floor to sweep up with the next guy that comes around.
From reading this book,"Lady In Waiting," is has taught me that being single is not a bad thing! Its actually a good thing. People today think that life doesn’t really start until you get married, start a family, etc. But yet they discover, that they were wrong. Life begins now. You live your single years now in service to Christ and to others. You live your single years as time that God is preparing you for great things! And how can He do that, if we get our way with things? It has to be His way. Because I believe that God is working behind the scenes of some very important stuff in my life right now that I don’t even have a clue about how awesome it will be as I am typing this blog.
I know everybody has their own opinion about being single and not being single. Like, whats wrong with dating in high school? There’s nothting wrong with that. Its God’s decision for when two people meet, when and where. But God has a different plan for each of His children, not one plan greater than the other, but the same value. Its just up to us to surrender our hearts to God, so He can take care of us not having to deal with such sin and brokeness like everybody else is going through but doesn’t know it yet.
As a lady in waiting, I want to use my single years now, and the ones I have in the future, to become stronger and closer to Jesus in many ways. Here are some area’s that I want Christ to work in me and become more like Him every single day I am single, and when I am married. But it has to start with being single.
Character- it defines who I am inside that nobody else can see. While people see my personality, rarely do they see my character. What my most deep concerns and desires are. Like for one, I have the desire to sponser a child in africa or china someday. I have always wanted to do that since I was 12 when I went to a Rachael Lampa concert that was being sponsered by Compasion International. I can’t afford it right now, but if its God’s will, I know He will provide the money so I can sponser a child. I want to give to these children who live in disease and have no family or home. It makes me cry a lot to see children who will grow up without nothing, yet I have everything they need in my own bedroom. In this area, I want this to define who I am in Christ. I want Christ to develope godly character. And it takes time. Time I spend alone with Him every day, and abiding in it.
Service- My number one purpose is not to get married and live happily every after. Though as you already know, this has been something I have wanted since I knew what emotions were. But its not my first priority. My first priority is to serve God, and give my service to others. As Christians we are a dying breed. Seriously, we are almost dead! My focus needs to be on saving the lives of others from a spiritual death than for me to be searching with my spy glass for Mr. Perfect. Sometimes its hard for me to offer my service. Like doing certian chores around the house I absolutly cannot stand! But I should do it anyway, to serve my parents. Cause when I am serving my parents, I am serving God. Service has always been something hard on me, but I want God to transform how I think of service. Is it just a chore, or a privilege to serve others and possibly reach out to them with the gospel?
Discipline- whoa baby this is a toughy! Never in my life have I had discipline over my emotions and odd fantasies. Never. Nada. And I can tell you this, its one of the hardest habits to break. I’m still struggling with it. Cause so easily I can wonder of and day dream of my prince charming, what he looks like, where we are going on our honeymoon, what dress am I gonna wear. The list goes on and on. Dreaming of these things is not wrong, but it leads to more obsession and makes me believe that marriage is perfect. Its too bad too many people enter marriage thinking this way, then suddenly being slapped down on the floor and seeing and wishing they waited longer to even get married. I want to gain discipline over my thoughts and emotions. Cause if I don’t, I would end up giving them away to every guy I came across with. And what would I be left with after I would find out he is not the one? More broken pieces. I have to pray hard every single day in this area of my life. Because it is a weakness. My whole life has been a day dream to me. The devil knows he can make me fall hard. I have to fight against it.
Security- This is an area in my life I have always been comfortable with. But I can’t say the same for others. Even though I have been through many obsession spells of complaing to God, I always have had security that God would bring the right things at the right time into my life. But so many girls defraud themselves onto a guy, doing anything in their power to win them over cause they want to have control. They don’t want to risk loosing a guy. So they will go beyond measure to keep him. Often many times sleeping with the guy, only to see it draws him away more. The girls get so caught up they call him every day and wonder where he is at, what he is doing, fearing that he found someone better. And if they once catch him even speaking to a girl, she gets jealous and won’t talk to him for days. Its a very sad state. I’m thankful I have never been in this position. Though, I have defrauded my feelings towards someone before. But never manipulating him like many girls today. But I still want to leave my security in Christ. While men are only here for a short time, Christ is forever. Nuff said.
Purity- yeah, I probobly don’t have to go into much detail about this one.Since I’ve poured out my heart in all my other blogs about purity. But as far as physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual purity, I will always struggle with it. Girls have a hard time keeping themselves pure too. Girls can lust. Though for different reasons. I have been emotionally not pure. Such as giving away emotions that was meant for my husband and my husband only. My thoughts of being with this person, a great possibility of thinking of being with another womans husband. I have been there. I will always struggle with it. But it is I to make the decision to ask God to make me pure everyday by cleaning my heart out and giving me a new one. To saying No to those temptations though they seem to satisfy me only for a little bit. I have to watch myself. We as Christians have to watch ourlselves. How we treat the opposite sex, what messages we send them. Why do you think I don’t flirt? Yes, its fun. But I really don’t know what the other person is thinking. They may say its nothing, its just fun enjoyment. But I still really don’t know whats going through their heads. We need to be careful how we respond to each other with words and physical touch. Cause you know, you’re hanging around somebody elses husband or wife. Would you want someone doing those things, acting that way, or even touching your future spouse?
Attitude- How I see life, how I see myself, and how I look at circumstances. I should respond to them with a positve attitude and an attitude of Christ. Cause you never know who may be watching you. How I handle myself, how I treat others, how I respond to rude remarks and how I talk to other people. I wouldn’t want to give the impression that I’m better than someone. Nor would I want to be judging someone for the things they do. I need to keep in check of these things in life. I’ve already been fussed at for posting these blogs. Someone told me its a waste of time and doesn’t do anything for anybody. I’m just repeating lessons other people years ago already preached about. I am told to just shut up. I didn’t know quite how to respond to that. Nobody has ever dissed me for writing before. It even scared me a little to write another blog about anything afraid that maybe I have offended someone. But I made the choice to not respond with anger. Though I was frustrated. I could have taken it a lot better. It just proves this is an area I need to work on. To let God improve.
Everything I have listed, I want to be. I want to grow character, service, security, discipline, purity, and attitude. I want all these things to reign in me. While I am a lady in waiting, I am to focus on becoming the woman God has made me to be. Not focus on who I’m gonna date next. As a lady in waiting, I am focusing on what Christ has for my life. Marriage comes later until He decides when I am ready to say "I do." The qualities I listed above, I want to enter into marriage. But I must do it as a single. And I am very content with being single in Christ. From learning all these new things that I should have known a long time ago, I have finally become content with my status right now. I don’t complain about being single. If only I saw this a long time ago, I would have saved a lot of breath.
So now, it is exactly 5:03 am. I am still not tired. I guess I’ll stare at the ceiling once more until my alarm clock goes off at 7. I can only hope I’ll survive my eight hour shift today. Guess I need to buy some red bull.