Monday, September 29, 2008
I would first like to add that I was inspired to write this blog, this time, at exactly almost 4 am from a book I have been studying for over a week now title, "Lady In Waiting." Written by Jackie Kendall and Debby Jones.
So here I am. Wide awake. I can’t sleep. This is the second night in a row that I have been staring at the ceiling waiting for morning to arrive. Its bad enough that I have to be at work in only a few short hours. I played my music, cause music usually puts me to sleep really fast; exspecially Skillets Comatose. But tonight it kept me awake. I did my nightly prayers to God. Tried to relax and get to sleep so I can live today. Nothing. Nothing is getting me to shut my eyes and dream. And looking at the time, I figure its too late to even attempt putting in another cd to listen to. So I decided to pray some more about some personal issue’s, going into more detail with God than I did the first time.
Almost every blog I have written so far always centers itself around purity. Those who read my blogs, are probobly tired of me talking about it over and over again. Well thats your problem. I don’t make the decision to write them. God inspires me, and HE gives me the words to type on this small laptop. And thats something I can’t ignore. Neither do I want to ignore it.
I was talking to God about certian feelings that I’ve told Him several hundred times growing up. From there I started to look back on my teenage life and see how different my life has been compared to so many others out there in the world. I looked back at the time I had my first broken heart. I remember how long it took for me to heal from that and move on without looking at one guy and calling him a jerk. I remember then, at age 13 is when I decided to devote my life to Christ and in purity. For how painful it was, you can only imagine. But then I look at it this way. The lessons I have learned from that one broken heart convinced me to turn my life around. It made me want to be different.
Then I remembered all the times I cried out to God with obsession of having a boyfriend. I remember begging Him, complaining to Him, letting Him know how confused I was for Him not letting me have my way of things. I can still see the guys I had crushes on back then never once knew I existed and I would complain that to God as well. I really don’t know how He put up with me. If I were God back then I would have locked myself up somewhere and put duck tape over my mouth. Then I remembered a few years down the road, when I just thought God gave up on me of ever having a happy relationship with some guy, instead He gave me a book to read. Yes, a book. Like I thought a book could be better than having a boyfriend. HA! But it turned out I was wrong about that too. At 16 is when I read "I Kissed Dating Good-bye" for the first time. Thats when God started to open a door for me. And made me relize this world is not at all about me.
Now two years down the road, at the current age of 18, God opens another door. A door I thought would lead to the answer I knew I was looking for. But again, I was wrong. Instead it was the answer God said I should know. I had seemed to have gotten back into the confusion stage of the question," Okay God, I’m older. I’m more mature. Where is my boyfriend?" As I waited for my answer, It happened again. He gave me a book! Not only did I read I Kissed Dating Good-bye all over again and it reminded me of some things, but there was another book I saw at the bookstore that caught my attention. It was titles "Lady In Waiting: Becoming God’s Best While Waiting For Mr. Right." It has paper inside of it. A journal. So of course I bought it! I love paper. I am always writing something. Sorry tree’s, I need paper.
I have been reading one chapter of the book everyday for the past ten days, using it as my personal time with God alone with my Bible wide open, ready to take in whatever it lead me to. And again God proved it to me, this world is not all about me.
For a long time, I have been idolizing relationships. All my teen years when I would see other couples holding hands or smooching, envy would creep into my heart. Made me hate them. Made me wonder why God is allowing them to have so much fun and I have to watch it. I was looking towards a certian someone on a pedistol. Having a man in my life would give me such joy and pleasure, but not once did I think about commitment. And again, the question came up again to ask God," Okay God. I’m older. I am definatly this time MORE mature. Where is my boyfriend?" God told me to listen and read, so I did. And this is what He told me:" Erin, I have given you your single years. Single years that I am growing you. Making you from a young girl to a woman. If I let you have a boyfriend, where will that leave Me?" If I did have a boyfriend through all my stubborness, where would that leave God? I can tell you this, I would have left Him out. Because I would have gotten so caught up in a guy to fill in this empty void of loneliness. There wouldn’t be any room for God. There wouldn’t be any spiritual growth in my life, because I made the choice not to recieve it. I was looking at myself selfishly, looking at what fun the attention, passion and romance boyfriends bring. But I wouldn’t be looking for commitment.
For almost as long as I could remember, I have always been told a guy can’t make you whole, only Jesus can. I took that as a "yeah whatever." But for almost six years now it has been proven to me again and again. There is not one man in this world that can make me whole. No matter how hard I search. No matter if I went after boy after boy to see if this one could possibly be the right one, I still wouldn’t find it. The only thing I would find, is the time I wasted on myself and not on serving my God. As well as some shattered pieces of heart left on the floor to sweep up with the next guy that comes around.
From reading this book,"Lady In Waiting," is has taught me that being single is not a bad thing! Its actually a good thing. People today think that life doesn’t really start until you get married, start a family, etc. But yet they discover, that they were wrong. Life begins now. You live your single years now in service to Christ and to others. You live your single years as time that God is preparing you for great things! And how can He do that, if we get our way with things? It has to be His way. Because I believe that God is working behind the scenes of some very important stuff in my life right now that I don’t even have a clue about how awesome it will be as I am typing this blog.
I know everybody has their own opinion about being single and not being single. Like, whats wrong with dating in high school? There’s nothting wrong with that. Its God’s decision for when two people meet, when and where. But God has a different plan for each of His children, not one plan greater than the other, but the same value. Its just up to us to surrender our hearts to God, so He can take care of us not having to deal with such sin and brokeness like everybody else is going through but doesn’t know it yet.
As a lady in waiting, I want to use my single years now, and the ones I have in the future, to become stronger and closer to Jesus in many ways. Here are some area’s that I want Christ to work in me and become more like Him every single day I am single, and when I am married. But it has to start with being single.
Character- it defines who I am inside that nobody else can see. While people see my personality, rarely do they see my character. What my most deep concerns and desires are. Like for one, I have the desire to sponser a child in africa or china someday. I have always wanted to do that since I was 12 when I went to a Rachael Lampa concert that was being sponsered by Compasion International. I can’t afford it right now, but if its God’s will, I know He will provide the money so I can sponser a child. I want to give to these children who live in disease and have no family or home. It makes me cry a lot to see children who will grow up without nothing, yet I have everything they need in my own bedroom. In this area, I want this to define who I am in Christ. I want Christ to develope godly character. And it takes time. Time I spend alone with Him every day, and abiding in it.
Service- My number one purpose is not to get married and live happily every after. Though as you already know, this has been something I have wanted since I knew what emotions were. But its not my first priority. My first priority is to serve God, and give my service to others. As Christians we are a dying breed. Seriously, we are almost dead! My focus needs to be on saving the lives of others from a spiritual death than for me to be searching with my spy glass for Mr. Perfect. Sometimes its hard for me to offer my service. Like doing certian chores around the house I absolutly cannot stand! But I should do it anyway, to serve my parents. Cause when I am serving my parents, I am serving God. Service has always been something hard on me, but I want God to transform how I think of service. Is it just a chore, or a privilege to serve others and possibly reach out to them with the gospel?
Discipline- whoa baby this is a toughy! Never in my life have I had discipline over my emotions and odd fantasies. Never. Nada. And I can tell you this, its one of the hardest habits to break. I’m still struggling with it. Cause so easily I can wonder of and day dream of my prince charming, what he looks like, where we are going on our honeymoon, what dress am I gonna wear. The list goes on and on. Dreaming of these things is not wrong, but it leads to more obsession and makes me believe that marriage is perfect. Its too bad too many people enter marriage thinking this way, then suddenly being slapped down on the floor and seeing and wishing they waited longer to even get married. I want to gain discipline over my thoughts and emotions. Cause if I don’t, I would end up giving them away to every guy I came across with. And what would I be left with after I would find out he is not the one? More broken pieces. I have to pray hard every single day in this area of my life. Because it is a weakness. My whole life has been a day dream to me. The devil knows he can make me fall hard. I have to fight against it.
Security- This is an area in my life I have always been comfortable with. But I can’t say the same for others. Even though I have been through many obsession spells of complaing to God, I always have had security that God would bring the right things at the right time into my life. But so many girls defraud themselves onto a guy, doing anything in their power to win them over cause they want to have control. They don’t want to risk loosing a guy. So they will go beyond measure to keep him. Often many times sleeping with the guy, only to see it draws him away more. The girls get so caught up they call him every day and wonder where he is at, what he is doing, fearing that he found someone better. And if they once catch him even speaking to a girl, she gets jealous and won’t talk to him for days. Its a very sad state. I’m thankful I have never been in this position. Though, I have defrauded my feelings towards someone before. But never manipulating him like many girls today. But I still want to leave my security in Christ. While men are only here for a short time, Christ is forever. Nuff said.
Purity- yeah, I probobly don’t have to go into much detail about this one.Since I’ve poured out my heart in all my other blogs about purity. But as far as physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual purity, I will always struggle with it. Girls have a hard time keeping themselves pure too. Girls can lust. Though for different reasons. I have been emotionally not pure. Such as giving away emotions that was meant for my husband and my husband only. My thoughts of being with this person, a great possibility of thinking of being with another womans husband. I have been there. I will always struggle with it. But it is I to make the decision to ask God to make me pure everyday by cleaning my heart out and giving me a new one. To saying No to those temptations though they seem to satisfy me only for a little bit. I have to watch myself. We as Christians have to watch ourlselves. How we treat the opposite sex, what messages we send them. Why do you think I don’t flirt? Yes, its fun. But I really don’t know what the other person is thinking. They may say its nothing, its just fun enjoyment. But I still really don’t know whats going through their heads. We need to be careful how we respond to each other with words and physical touch. Cause you know, you’re hanging around somebody elses husband or wife. Would you want someone doing those things, acting that way, or even touching your future spouse?
Attitude- How I see life, how I see myself, and how I look at circumstances. I should respond to them with a positve attitude and an attitude of Christ. Cause you never know who may be watching you. How I handle myself, how I treat others, how I respond to rude remarks and how I talk to other people. I wouldn’t want to give the impression that I’m better than someone. Nor would I want to be judging someone for the things they do. I need to keep in check of these things in life. I’ve already been fussed at for posting these blogs. Someone told me its a waste of time and doesn’t do anything for anybody. I’m just repeating lessons other people years ago already preached about. I am told to just shut up. I didn’t know quite how to respond to that. Nobody has ever dissed me for writing before. It even scared me a little to write another blog about anything afraid that maybe I have offended someone. But I made the choice to not respond with anger. Though I was frustrated. I could have taken it a lot better. It just proves this is an area I need to work on. To let God improve.
Everything I have listed, I want to be. I want to grow character, service, security, discipline, purity, and attitude. I want all these things to reign in me. While I am a lady in waiting, I am to focus on becoming the woman God has made me to be. Not focus on who I’m gonna date next. As a lady in waiting, I am focusing on what Christ has for my life. Marriage comes later until He decides when I am ready to say "I do." The qualities I listed above, I want to enter into marriage. But I must do it as a single. And I am very content with being single in Christ. From learning all these new things that I should have known a long time ago, I have finally become content with my status right now. I don’t complain about being single. If only I saw this a long time ago, I would have saved a lot of breath.
So now, it is exactly 5:03 am. I am still not tired. I guess I’ll stare at the ceiling once more until my alarm clock goes off at 7. I can only hope I’ll survive my eight hour shift today. Guess I need to buy some red bull.