A Doubtful Mind

Whoever knew that the words we say to ourselves can determind how our future will end up being. I never use to believe that.
Ever find yourself saying sometimes things like, "Oh, I'll never do that." " I doubt it." "I'll probobly never get the guts to do that activity." Or as I believe to be, one of the most popular sayings, " I'll never get married." I've been caught saying that one over and over again. Why do we say these things? Do we really mean them? Or do we say them just so somebody will come back at us and say," Oh of course you will darling!?"
I remember when I was younger, my number one dream was to be in a band. I remember when I was five my parents taking me to a music store for the first time. And there I saw it. The most beautiful set of drums I have ever seen. I told my dad," I want to play that." But to me, it was only a dream. Drums are quite exspensive, and it cost to keep them up. Plus, like who is going to buy one of those for a five year old right? Kids that age don't at all know what they want. And I was one of them. But playing the drums was always stuck in my head, and if I ever got the chance to, that would be the instrument I would play.
I'll get back to that dream a little later. As I got into my older teens, it seemed that more dreams were coming my way, waiting to be thought about. A year after I was saved, I started to write my own lyrics. From that, it gave me the desire to become a songwriter. I wanted to learn how to write music, but had no clue where to start. But the thought remained there and developed into nothing but what it was, a thought.
My desire in music grew stronger, as I wanted to know more about it. Being that I come from a family with music history, it only seemed right to carry out what my parents had done. I decided that when I would graduate high school, that I was going to find a way into college, and set my career in music production. I was so very excited. I imagined that I would someday have my own recording studio where I can record peoples music. Bands such as Skillet, Hawk Nelson, or maybe even Reliant K. I was so ready to learn what I had to do, and I couldn't wait.
But thats when something began to happen. Something changed inside of me. I was looking into the schools where I could go at for music. One of the best schools was in Los Angeles. I was excited about actually leaving home away from my parents and living my own life, in the college world. Until something happen. I was having all these dreams about my life, that I forgot something. Where was I gonna get the money? After that, I required some thinking, sortof estimating how much a class would cost. And afterwards, I realized, I could never afford to go to any college. Because I simply couldn't do it. So from that, I let that dream slide into the back of my mind. And it hasn't moved since.
Being that I was homeschooled, we never kept up with my transcripts. So I don't have them all. That was another thing that was keeping me behind. While everybody else went back to school after the summer was over, I was living at home, doing nothing. I later met a man who was a piano player, and wrote his own music. I asked him how he learned to write, and from there we went into about an hour in a convo talking about how to write music where to learn it. This idea excited me. I thought now I could seriously learn what I've always wanted to do. So one day, me and my mom went down to a local college to see what we could find out about classes. The guy told me you could audit a class, and only pay for the classes you want instead of going for a degree or master. That made it so much more a dream coming true for me! Cause all I wanted to do was learn! So we were sitting in some person office, who was telling us all we needed to do to get into the college and stuff. I felt so excited, until she said it." You have to have your transcripts." I felt very numb. I felt even worse when she told me I had to take the SAT, which I was not at all planning on doing. So after that visit, I put that dream back behind my mind. Because I believed that it could never become anything but a thought.
So continueing, I got more and more into photography and video editing. But I let doubt come into my mind because I never thought I could ever be able to afford anything professional in my life! So again, another thought. I have always had a desire to do mission work. And I am so thankful that I have been able to go on two mission trips so far. From both of those experiences, it led me to want to do it even more. So I went online, talked with a friend who lives up north, and he encouraged me to check out Youth With A Mission. So I did. The cost was a very reasonable price. It was college classes, but hey...no transcripts. No SAT. It sounded perfect. I would be training for three months, then for two months go to another country. I was thrilled! I brought it up to my parents that I really wanted to do this, and I had been praying about it for a while. They liked it, except the part of going out of the country. They told me no, that I couldn't do it. So then again, I was back at square one.
Last but not least, the final straw. The last remark everybody seems to make. I will never get married. I have been saying that for my entire life. Not because I really didn't want to get married, but because I thought it just wasn't possible. Everyday I looked at myself in the mirror and wondered, "Who in this world would want to wake up next to this every morning?" I often compared myself to the other girls that walked by in my life. She and she seemed the kind of girl that all guys chase after, but I was told I'm not the type a boy would ever love. Peoples words do hurt a ton, and I'm the type that never lets them go.
I was carrying a lot of doubt in my heart. I thought I wasn't smart enough for college. Because I barely graduated highschool. Consider me lucky. I never thought I would succeed because simply I just wasn't smart enough. I let my dreams slide away from me.
So from there, I have always had a low self esteem. I didn't like who I was, because there has always been somebody who was better than me, smarter than me, richer than me, prettier than me, and somebody who always found the opportunites to knock on their door step. I really felt like I was just meant for nothing but to sit here and breathe.
For all my teen years, I have felt this way. Just because. I remember praying to God the night I was saved to use me. I wanted to be used. But why was all this happening? Doesn't God want to use people who want to be used? I was right here waiting and nothing was happening. But, everything was happening to everybody else and half of those people weren't even Christians. Seemed just fair right?
Then one day, something new came into the picture. I was talking to a good friend of mine. He's a music producer, and I was telling him that I always wanted to learn production and do my own thing. And hoping that someday I could have my own recording studio. As I was sharing with him my vision, he simply told me, "Stop dreaming, and go do something." But I flat out told him that I can't do anything. I don't have the money, the brains, a car, the right recourses. I was complaining how I could never do any of it until he , being as Blunt as he is, told me, "You're right. You will never do it." Don't ask why, but I was shocked he said that to me. I wasn't expecting that answer. I was expecting an answer like, "Oh sure you will. You can do it." Well, heh, I have to say that he was absolutely right. I said I will never do, so then, I shall "never" do.
After our interesting convo, I couldn't get his words out of my mind. They were flying about like bats hitting me inside the head. What did he mean by that, why did he say it? Then it made me think back a bit. I started to see that a long time ago, the word never became my favorite word. I would never do this, I would never do that. Then I remember what the Bible says in Matthew 21:22," if you ask, believing, you will recieve." Well the whole entire time I was asking. I got that part down right. I'm a pro at asking for things. But I simply didn't believe. Oh I said I believed. Anybody can say that, but to actually do it is another thing.
I realized what I have done. I was doubting God. I was doubting the power of the one true God in heaven! I was saying to Him, "God you aren't doing it right. God you aren't strong enough to get me where I needed to be. God you don't love me." I was simply saying that God cannot do the impossible in my life. But how could He AT ALL do the impossible, if I wouldn't allow Him to?
I immediantly prayed for God's forgiveness. I asked that God forget all my doubtful words, all the times I ever said anything negative, every time I said the word "Never," and I asked for a clean start. Then, I told God my dreams. I told him I wanted to learn music theory but didn't know how. I told God I wanted to learn production, and do my own mixes with my own music. I told God I was deeply interested in photography and I wanted to learn film. I told God I wanted to do missions and go all over the place, travel the world. And last but not least, I told God that I wanted to get married someday. I want to wear white on my wedding day. And I want to marry THE ONE that God HIMSELF has chosen for me, and see his face when God says its time for us to meet. With all this being said, I gave all these dreams back to God. I gave them over, surrendered them, giving them up and letting God do whatever He wanted with them. And I simply prayed, " God use me. Don't let me doubt you again. Just like I prayed for the first time in my life when I was saved, I will say it again...God use me."
I was sixteen when I saw the group Barlow Girl for the first time, the same concert where I saw Toby Mac for the first time too. Before that day, I had tried to play a few other instruments. At 13, tried the saxophone. Didn't work, quit at 14. 15, attempted to play eletric guitar, but good luck with that. I tried harmonica and flute. It got me nowhere. I still had the dream to play the drums, but again never thought it could possibly happen. So here I was, in this giant mosh pit, resting my arms on the stage, I could almost touch Alyssa Barlows piano. The whole entire time I had my eyes on the drummer. She was the only person I was watching the whole entire time. After seeing her play, I was in awe. I told myself, " I want to be just like her!" After watching them play that night, I was deeply inspired to get serious about the drums. So I started praying about it.
Eight months later, I get my first kit for my 17th birthday. In three months I learned my first song, which was a Barlow Girl song because they have inspired me in my music so much as well as spiritually. I taught myself how to play. Two years later, at the current age of 19, I have officially started to play in church. No its not a band, but I am playing music, with other people, getting in some experience, as well setting the tone for the service. Because music does move people, it moves people deeper into Christ. And thats the whole point of playing.
Just recently, I have started to get into youth ministries. I gave that dream to God as well. And now I am starting to get somewhere. Very soon we will start doing drama's within the church. I have had many inspirations to do drama's to songs, and I'm creating new stories each week.
One other thing that I always use to think, was that opportunity will eventually fall into my lap, without me having to give an enegry in the process. I highly recommend you...DON'T DO THIS! You are just asking for nothing "again" to happen. My friend was right, "stop dreaming and go do something." God will do His part, but you also have to do yours. And it takes work. Time studying, time organizing, time getting places, time saving money. But isn't it better to work for something and earn it, istead of it being given to you on a silver platter? Who would want to be lazy anyway? Yep, being lazy sure defines your poor character.
You see, waiting on God could probobly top on the list of the hardest things to do in life. But when it comes to waiting, we also have to trust. Through out this entire blog I did not put my trust in God as I should have done. Because I did not believe He could do the impossible. Good and big things always happen to other people, but not to me. I was accepting that thats how I should live and think. Its the truth, you say you will never do something in life, you really will "NEVER DO IT." Because you are enliminating God from actually working in your life! Don't you know how miserable that is for a person?! Its like....torture! You are miserable because you CHOOSE to be miserable. You feel sorry for yourself because you CHOOSE to feel sorry for yourself. You are unhappy that nothing great is happening in your life because you CHOOSE to doubt what God can do! It is a choice. What will be yours?!